EDITOR’S FOREWORD:
Flipland Chronicles is a series of satirical commentaries by a writer whose pseudonym, T. Tinio, indicates a tone of voice that may politely be described as politically and socially incorrect. As the succeeding essay is the fourth in the series, there are terms in it that presume familiarity with previous issues which may put first time readers at a loss. Accordingly, a short summary is in order:
Flipland is a dysfunctional republic. Its citizens, called Flips, belong in their overwhelming numbers to the tribe of Hopeless Idiots. Their purpose in life is to vote for Pricks and Assholes as their rulers and to make babies. Pricks form the administration party whose main pre-occupation is to f**k Flipland. The Assholes make up the opposition who crap on Flipland and try their best to become Pricks. The head of the Pricks, as Flipland’s chief executive, is known as the Big Dick. In the event of vacancy, there is the Spare Dick to ensure that the coition of the nation proceeds without loss of momentum.
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This is the Flipland situation today — in less than eighteen months, the Big Dick’s term of office ends. He then slides down to become an ordinary dick and leaves his official residence, aptly named, “Malaki Yan Palace”.
Early on, spurred by popularity surveys that gives him a tremendous edge over other politicians, the Spare Dick makes known his aspiration to replace the Big Dick. This does not sit well with the Pricks in the upper house of the legislature (Babuyan Pambansa) who harbor the same ambition. They consider the Spare Dick an Asshole which technically he is, not being the running mate of the Big Dick in the last election. But his close ties with the family of the Big Dick endows him with a Prick-ish aura. For all intents and purposes, the Spare Dick is both Prick and Asshole possessing a unique ambidextrous ability to use both his front and his back in servicing Flipland!
In keeping with the spirit of the old Japanese proverb that “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down,” the rival Pricks form an investigating body supposedly in aid of legislation (but actually in aid of castration). And so, the sound of jackhammers fills the halls of the of the Babuyan Pambansa as a chorus of disgruntled former colleagues and subordinates of the Spare Dick sings before the investigating Pricks their songs of betrayal and speculations by their former friend and master.
They sing not of arms and of men but of overpriced buildings, rigged biddings, kickbacks on government procurement, dollar salting, bribes in the form of condominium units, a 350 hectare vacation palace with gardens in the baroque style, etc…all done at the instigation of the Spare Dick when he was Big Dick (Mayor) of Itchy City where most of the parasitic elite of Flipland is concentrated. (The city’s name is an accurate description of the itchy fingers of the bankers and capitalists who compete mano a mano with their local officials.)
While the investigation is taking its toll on the Spare Dick’s popularity, there’s still a hard core of more than a quarter of Hopeless Idiots who remain loyal to him despite the demolition of his reputation and he remains the front runner among the Big Dickables.
A greenhorn in electoral politics less than thirty years ago, he is now the patriarch of a political dynasty with a daughter in the upper house of the Babuyan Pambansa, another daughter in the lower house and a son who is the current holder of his former position as Big Dick of Itchy City. In that span of time he is able to expand his base from the local to the national and the resonance of his name is sufficient for a daughter, bereft of accomplishments, to secure the fifth place in the electoral tally for the upper house over others with far better qualifications.
That candidates with proven integrity and track records lost the election to his daughter whose résumé printed double space with font size 14 would fill half a page of A4 is convincing proof of the Spare Dick’s popularity among the Hopeless Idiots. And to think that God and Nature denied our Spare Dick the good looks of a movie actor which makes for an easy ride in Flipland politics! A compensating profusion of cunning makes up for it — not surprising for the Spare Dick is a lawyer, a graduate of the same school that produced the Biggest Dick in Flipland’s history, who lacerated the nation’s anal orifice which up to the present remains unhealed.
And should the Spare Dick succeed in achieving his towering ambition, history may just repeat itself — a conjugal gang rape of Flipland’s treasury. For it is now a matter of record that when he reached his first three term limit as Big Dick of Itchy City, he handed the baton over to his spouse for one term, except that it was not a baton but a dildo. And she used it. (She is now answering a charge of overpricing hospital beds in court and the prospect of other accusations loom over the horizon in the one term that she was the Big Dildo of Itchy City.)
With parents like that, what can one expect of the second generation voted into office by the Hopeless Idiots of Flipland? Perhaps this:
“The dynasty that preys together steals together.” (apologies to the late Fr. Patrick Peyton)